Spandex-Wearing Lunatics
Notes: This fic has a few instances of META in it. You've been warned.
Dedication: To Bethy, because she laughed in all the right places <g>. And to Victoria P. for an extremely helpful beta.
Metropolis Convention Center
11:45 AM
As Clark slid down on his seat in a failed attempt to be inconspicuous, he decided that he would trade all the current genetic prizes in his stockpile for invisibility.
Well, maybe not the speed. X-Ray vision? Definitely. Goodbye headaches and hello slipping out of this asylum without a trace. The image of green roses sprang to mind, and he thought it might just be worth the nausea and the body-blush from walking around naked if he could Just. Get. Out. Of. Here.
But, no roses on hand, and alien DNA was not responding to his mental bargaining. So... invisibility was out. And, despite his wishes to the contrary, Clark wasn't managing inconspicuous, either. Even slouched, a six-foot-plus frame was not easily camouflaged. Taking a seat in the back of the seminar had helped during the session, but now that they were leaving, Clark was getting curious looks from almost *all* of them. His standard cotton and denim were making him stand out amongst the parade of brightly colored spandex and molded body armor. Clark figured that he could quite possibly draw less attention if he *were* naked, rose oil or no.
Note to self -- Remember to visit the costume store prior to next seminar. Or better yet, derail good intentions of idealistic parents and avoid next seminar like the plague.
This experience had determined the top item on Clark's to-do list when he got back home -- have a long, thorough discussion with his parents about the proper "career path" in which to apply his gifts. Definitely number one. With a bullet.
With the room emptied except for him, Clark stood up to head for the door. He exited the conference room and took an apprehensive glance down at the schedule in his hand. Time for the lunch break, thank God. Given the small number of costumed people milling about, it appeared that most of the other sessions hadn't finished yet. Shifting his stack of presentation materials under one arm, Clark grabbed a plate from the buffet table and quickly filled it. Spotting a bench set back in a small alcove, he took a soda from the refreshment table and made a beeline toward relative seclusion. Reached the haven and gave a relieved sigh as he settled in and took the first bite of his sandwich.
As Clark ate his lunch, the crowd in the common area thickened, bringing an increase in the volume of conversation surrounding him. He didn't care so long as he was able to remain unnoticed. Finishing the last bite of his apple, Clark set the empty plate on the bench beside him and turned longing eyes toward the glass doors at the end of the atrium. It would be so easy to...
"Greetings, my comrade in arms against evil doers!"
Clark tried to not wince visibly as he looked up, wondering how much psychological scarring this conversation would bring. His eyes traveled along what seemed like a mile of rubberized blue suit until he saw a face. Wide grin topped by a blank stare, and further up... a pair of antennae wiggling randomly on top of the suit's head.
Antennae?
He was still staring at them in disbelief when the booming voice spoke again. "Always good to see new faces here! You're new, right?"
"I'm... uh-huh."
"Great! Love your costume!"
A puzzled glance down at his tee shirt, flannel, and jeans. "Umm... these are just clothes. I'm kind of auditing." His neck was getting stiff from looking up. The strange blue man didn't seem to be going anywhere, so Clark stood.
Got a full-length appraisal that made him feel like a secretary about to be chased around a desk. "And aren't you a strapping young buck ready to ram justice down the throats of the naughty? Got a Hero Name, yet?"
"Um... no. Like I said, just auditing. And you are...?"
"I am... The Tick!"
Heh... at least the antennae made sense now. "Nice to meet you." Not really, but Kansas manners run deep.
"Nice to be met!" He either didn't notice the confused look on Clark's face or ignored it. Clark was betting on the former. "Where do you hail from, future defender of the proud, unyielding monument of righteousness?"
Clark considered lying, but figured that The Tick wouldn't remember what he'd said an hour later anyway. "Smallville. How about you?"
"I come from... The City."
"Metropolis?"
"No, my future brother in the battle against the invading hordes of human wickedness. That name is too cold for my sweet mistress. She opened her arms to me, begging for freedom from the evil gnawing at her core, and I could not resist her. Had to plunge into her depths and pluck out the seeds of-"
"That's great," Clark interrupted. "I'm sure... uh... she's grateful."
"I ask no thanks for doing whatever allows the tasty cream of virtue to be skimmed off the milk of humanity. Have you got a sidekick in mind yet?"
"Sidekick?"
A hand landed heavily on his shoulder. Enough force that anyone else would have definitely been bruised and probably would have collapsed to the floor. "Yes! A chum! A buddy! A partner to share the cream stick of justice. You take one side, he takes the other, and you suck the creamy goodness from both ends. No wasted drippings on the pastry paper, just mutual satisfaction in the sweetness of victory."
Clark was certain that fleeing in terror would not make a good impression of his bravery on the conference organizers. Nonetheless, he was considering it when he heard a familiar voice, "Clark?"
Clark nearly collapsed in relief at the excuse to walk away. "That's a friend of mine. I need to go. I... uh... hope you enjoy the rest of the conference."
The man drew himself up to his full height and planted fisted hands on his hips. "I intend to, friend. I intend to come out of here with a fresh joy in the- Oh, look! Sponge cake!"
Clark felt the floor shake as The Tick lumbered across the floor to the freshly stocked dessert table. Clark turned and walked toward the rescuing voice he'd heard behind him. Their paths met next to one of the buffet tables. "Lex? You're attending the Conference of Super Heroes?"
Lex laughed and gestured to the glass doors at the end of the atrium. "Nah. I was across the street attending a symposium at the university, but I heard the food was better here at the conference. Figured I'd sneak in during the break." Lex took a grape from the bunch Clark had seen him snag from the snack table, tossed it into his mouth and chewed it. "How's this going?"
Clark sighed and shook his head. "Dad thought it was a good idea to send me to this thing, but..."
"Not what you expected?"
"I'm starting to think I don't have enough issues to be a super hero. These people are all cracked, Lex."
Lex smirked. "Tell me about it. They're no better across the street. I got stuck chatting with some green-haired lunatic with a rictus grin and a scary obsession with mime makeup. He kept ranting about a guy in a bat suit."
"I think I met him -- tall guy with body armor and a cowl? Had a grim attitude and some teenage kid wearing bright spandex following him around. It was weird."
Lex cocked a brow. "A grown man hanging out with a teenager? That *is* strange."
Clark rolled his eyes. "Not *that*. I mean... The guy clearly has some serious psychological problems. I think he needs therapy, not a costume and a license to kill. Being an alien with super powers suddenly doesn't seem all that strange, comparatively speaking." Lex chuckled, and Clark suddenly recalled his earlier comment. "What's the symposium across the street about?"
Lex reached into his jacket pocket and handed over a pamphlet. "World Domination and You -- Embracing the Evil Genius Within."
Clark's eyes flew up from the pamphlet to meet Lex's. "You want to be an evil genius?"
Lex shrugged. "I figured it's destiny. When I found out you were coming here, it made sense. If you're going to be a super hero, you're going to need an archenemy. Besides, Luthor genes." Lex casually popped another grape in his mouth.
Clark frowned. "Why does my choosing to become a hero--and believe me, that's far from certain after this experience--necessitate you becoming my evil nemesis?"
Finished with the grapes, Lex reached for a canapé. He chewed with enjoyment and swallowed, then took a sip of bottled water. "The food really is much better over here."
"Lex?"
"Oh, right. They covered this in the beginners' session this morning. Basically, it adds a sense of profound tragedy to the hero's life when he loses his best friend or a loved one to the dark side. Having to fight himself as well as the evil, that kind of thing."
"That's... stupid. I don't want to lose you to evil, Lex. I can do the hero bit minus the 'profound tragedy'."
Lex had picked up a gherkin from the relish plate, and he licked a drop of juice off the end of it. "I appreciate that, Clark. After seeing the freak show across the street, I'm not too keen on being an evil genius. Still, the archenemy has a permanent place in the hero's life, and I'm not anxious to be relegated to the role of bit player once you hit the big time. At least this way we'll still see each other."
Clark was searching his thoughts for another solution to their potential dilemma when he realized something. "Wait a minute... Metropolis University holds conferences for evil geniuses? That seems a bit reckless for a public institution."
Lex swallowed the gherkin and began rummaging in another suit pocket. "The university officials don't know what's really going on in the lecture hall. According to the guy I talked to, pulling one over on unsuspecting bureaucrats ups the evil factor of the whole thing. They advertise it as something else entirely."
Clark took the flyer Lex handed him and unfolded it:
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
Schumacher Hall Reserved Today for an Informational Workshop The Proper Use of Angst in Fan Fiction Know Whether Your Story Screams "Pathos!" or "Pathetic!"
***
Track includes expert lectures and a panel discussion Call 555-3845 ext. 666 for information
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Clark frowned at the piece of paper, feeling more than a little confused. "Wait a minute... is this phone number fake or something? What do they do if someone really wants to attend this workshop? And what the heck is 'fan fiction'?"
Lex chuckled. "The phone number is real. They've used the same topic for three years straight and never received one phone call about registration."
"But, Lex... 'fan fiction'?"
"I don't have the first clue what it is, Clark. But apparently, everyone who writes it thinks they know how to handle angst."
Clark nodded, though he was still confused. Lex had moved on to the dessert table and was picking up an eclair. Seeing the filling spurt out as Lex bit down on the end, Clark suddenly perked up with An Idea. "Lex! I know how we can stay in contact and not have you go over to the dark side!"
Lex was licking cream off his fingers, but he looked intrigued. "Really? How's that?"
"Remember the tall, blue guy I was talking to when you came in? He said something about a hero having a 'sidekick'. Maybe that would work for us!"
Clark caught the skeptical expression on his friend's face as he began leafing through the guide he'd been given at registration: "A Hero's Guide to All Things Heroic" by Stan Lee.
"What precisely would I do as a sidekick, Clark? Leer at the bad guys and make quips while you beat them up?"
Clark had located the section on sidekicks. "According to the book, that's a prerequisite skill."
Lex snickered. "Ri-iiight. And I suppose I'm also expected to get myself captured on a regular basis so you have to come and save my ass?"
Clark looked up from the book with an apologetically confirming shrug.
Lex shook his head and took a drink off the water bottle. "Sorry, but this body isn't meant for spandex. It chafes. Maybe Bat Man's sidekick can point you-"
"Sidekick?" a distinctly Latino voice exclaimed from over Lex's shoulder. "I neither have, nor am I in need of, a sidekick! I am a lone wolf, stalking evil in the night."
The man stepped up next to Lex, who joined Clark in staring slightly agape at the brown-suited man. Specifically, at the wing-like ears fastened to his head. They were hideous... and enormous.
Before Clark could warn him about the repercussions of making contact, Lex asked, "And you are?"
Giving Lex a glare that said he was offended at not being recognized, the man drew himself up and dramatically flourished the edges of his cape. "I am... Bat Manuel!"
Seeing Lex struggling to not burst into hysterics, Clark spoke up. "Hi. I'm Clark, and we weren't talking about you. We-"
"Humph!" Bat Manuel scoffed angrily, his mustache twitching with resentment. "You were discussing the Gotham Glory Hound and his little bird friend, 'ay? I will tell you, he is a disgrace to the bat. Those ears belong on a cat costume..." Pausing in his tirade, the man seemed to regain a measure of composure and humor. "Considering what cats do to robins, it would make much more sense if he were a cat. After all, bats don't eat-"
"Bat Manuel! I've been looking for you for over twenty minutes!"
Clark heard the sharp voice accompanied by the sound of clicking heels approaching rapidly from behind him. A moment later, a woman with long, dark hair topped by a seven-pointed headpiece and was standing next to him. She was carrying a torch (literally). Clark took in the high-heeled boots and skintight outfit -- which had a very interesting star-shaped cut out in the chest area -- and realized he was seeing his first female super hero of the conference. Lex made a disgusted sound, and Clark looked over at him quizzically.
The woman glanced from Clark to Lex and back again. "You two sure have a vibe going. Have you met Arthur and The Tick yet?" Clark was about to answer when she shook her head. "Sorry, no time for niceties. We're late for a panel discussion on breaking and entering in the name of justice."
"Janet, please. I was just discussing that mopey poser with these- Ouch!"
The woman had grabbed hold of the bat ear next to her torch-free hand. "That's Captain Liberty, you twit! We're at the conference! Now come on before we're even later than we already are."
Captain Liberty stalked off with the ear still firmly clutched in her grip, forcing Bat Manuel to follow with his head half bent to accommodate her. "Catch you later, fellows. The woman can't resist me- Ow! Janet, be careful with the ears. They're delicate!"
After watching the strange pair walk away, Clark turned his eyes to see Lex shaking his head bemusedly. "Lex, about the sidekick thing-"
"I don't think it would work, Clark. I prefer tailored suits to spandex." A considering tilt of his head and a finger running along his jaw. "Although... I can see the look on you. Definitely."
"Lex, forget the spandex. You've got the other things down pat, and I do have some experience at saving your as- ... you."
"That's true enough. Still, there was a panel later in the day I wanted to attend across the street. If the information there is good, I'm going to seriously consider the evil genius gig."
Clark glanced down at his schedule. "Let's compromise. There's a presentation I want to see in... fifteen minutes. Come with me to this, and I'll go to the evil seminar with you."
Lex looked at the entry Clark was pointing to and chuckled. "Hero and Sidekick -- Making the Relationship All It Can Be!"
Clark glanced over at Lex's list of Evil Genius Workshops. "Which one?"
"Session 5-8."
Clark read the listing: "Love Thine Enemy -- Ten Easy Steps To Achieving Coital Bliss with the Hero Who Makes Your Life Hell". Looked up and over at Lex to find himself pierced on that singularly intense stare. "Coital...?"
Lex stepped closer. Distance between them evaporating completely, and Clark could almost feel the heat of Lex's body permeating his skin. "Like I said, would make all the evil genius shit worth it."
Clark pulled in a breath and lowered his voice to a whisper. "You don't need to become an evil genius for that. All you had to do was ask."
Lex ran a thumb across Clark's bottom lip. "What do you think all those eyefucks I've been sending your way were doing?"
"Asking?"
A single nod, and Lex's thumb was still making maddening little brushes across his lower lip.
"Lex... you want to play hooky from *both* of our conferences?"
A slow smile spread across Lex's lips. "I've got a suite at the Metropolis Spire."
Clark grinned. "Lead the way."
As they were walking out, Clark glanced down at the seminar Lex had wanted to attend and noticed something. "Hey Lex, did you see this? That love-your-enemy thing was being hosted by a panel of those fan fiction writers."
"Yeah. They're apparently the experts on the subject." Lex pulled a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket as they approached the doors of the convention center. "And Clark, I was serious about seeing you in spandex."
-- The End --